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@TheTOFIBlogI’ve always wanted to write a post about what we should do to the forests, but it seems good old Jeremy Clarkson has beaten me too it. With good results. So instead of you having to to read my dreary gruel-like creation, you can read his instead.
I’ve spent the past couple of weeks in Bolivia, and I didn’t shoot a baboon. This is because there aren’t any. In fact, there is no evidence of intelligent life at all. Let me give you a small example. I was lying in my hotel room one morning when, without so much as a knock, a cleaner walked in. With a mumbled, “Buenos dias”, he went into my lavatory, closed the door and took a dump.
Let me give you another example. The electrical shower head in another hotel I stayed in was connected to the wall of the cubicle by several bare wires. There was even a fuse box in there as well. This, then, was a bathroom that could get you clean and give you an amazing new hairdo all at the same time.
If you ask a Bolivian to do something, he either won’t do it at all or he will do it wrongly. This is because most Bolivians live at extremely high altitude where there simply isn’t enough oxygen to power your limbs and your brain at the same time. You either sit in a chair all day and think or you move about and don’t. At one stage I spent several moments trying to light a cigarette with a battery.
You may wonder, then, why the Bolivians don’t simply move out of the mountains and down to lower ground. Well, that’s because all the country’s low-lying area is covered with a massive and hideous wood. We call it the rainforest and say it is the “lungs of the world” but plainly it isn’t. Or there’d be some air in La Paz, and there isn’t.
The rainforest is portrayed by rock stars and schoolteachers as a magical and mystical place full of wonder and majesty. This is nonsense. It is the worst place in the world, and the sooner a burger company chops it all down, the better.
Everything in the rainforest is specifically designed to make your life either a little bit worse or completely over. At one point my left arm brushed against a leaf, and even now, many days later, it is a mass of weeping sores and pain. And that was just a leaf.
One of my friends was bitten by a brown recluse spider. Another was chomped by a 12ft anaconda. Twice, I climbed into my tent to find a bloody tarantula in there.
Strangely, however, it wasn’t the deadly wildlife that caused the most annoyance. It was the stuff that buzzes about and tries to make a nest in your ears.
We have flies and beetles and spiders in England, but nothing prepares you for the sheer size of the flies and beetles and spiders in the rainforest. They were big enough to have recognisable faces and character traits. One beetle I found, with Denis Healey eyebrows and a bit of a harelip, spent his night walking around my tent snipping the hind legs off grasshoppers.
Well, I say grasshoppers, but of course they were no such thing. These things were four inches long and actually bled when their legs came off. I swear to God I heard one calling for its mummy.
Sleep was impossible. You would spend an hour in your tent, bashing everything you could find over the head with a shoe until you were convinced all was well, and then you’d lie down and close your eyes and, within a minute, you’d sense that a JCB was driving up your leg. This is extremely frightening.
Bashing rainforest insects over the head with a shoe is pointless. It just makes them sad. Setting them alight doesn’t work either.
At one point I ignited the spray from a can of deodorant and used the whole lot on a particularly stubborn cockroach that looked a bit like Sean Connery. Only with curly hair. Net result: he survived intact, I smelt nasty the next day and my tent caught fire.
You might imagine that it’s worth putting up with the insect misery for the breathtaking array of flora and fauna. You’re wrong. There are no flowers at all, and apart from some absolutely beautiful butterflies that are the colour of an LSD trip and the size of Boeings, it’s all either dreary or deadly.
One tree in particular caught my eye, quite literally, since it was made entirely from cocktail sticks. Others hide their roots under a thin veneer of moss so that you trip over them. And it goes on like this for ever.
We’re told that an area of rainforest the size of Wales, or the Albert Hall, is cut down every day, and that may be true. But this pointless and unpleasant wood still goes on for thousands of miles in every direction. Frankly, I’d napalm the lot.
Occasionally you do reach a clearing, but this doesn’t necessarily mean you are out of the woods, so to speak. Because often it is full of armed men with mad eyes and sniffly noses who will shoot you in the head. Or, if you are unlucky, it will be a tumbledown and filthy village full of gap-year Brits with dreadlocked hair who have told their parents they wish to follow in Gordon Sting’s footsteps but are actually spending six months gradually giving their trust fund to Pablo Escobar.
Tribes? Elders? Chaps with saucers sewn into their lips? They may well be in there somewhere but the only locals I saw were crowded round a television set getting agitated about Carlo Ancelotti’s new diamond formation at Stamford Bridge.
If there are any people in the middle of the forest, it is not because they want to be there. Otherwise why, when they do get out, do they choose to live in La Paz, where all you can buy is cement and motor oil, and there is no air, and strangers take a dump in your lavatory every morning?
It is our duty to help these poor people. Someone, then, must start a charity as soon as possible with the sole aim of turning that insect-filled forest of death, rain and misery into something a bit more like Hong Kong.
Jeremy Clarkson.
Hey so I hate facebook and I love Twitter and I always use my iPhone to access these services. Why? I believe that social networking sites eg facebook and Twitter should be fast and easy to access and easy to use. Yes you can get these on the computer but between my iPhone and computer I find myself 9 times out of 10 I’m using my iPhone. It’s briliant I’m typing this in the vet whilst my dog is getting her 2nd set of injections. Now let’s move on to why I dislike facebook and prefer Twitter. It’s simple it’s simple, there is no invites to join some stupid game, no huggs or kisses! Just 140 characters of what you thinking or doing or want to be doing. Now you can carry on with your live’s oh and please add me on Twitter Shauneo
Thankyou for reading stay frosty.
Hello ladies all 4 of you, Oh and guys who would like to get called Gentlemen but your not so deal with it :) . OK OK I know I haven’t written in a while but I got busy with life you know playing games, chasing after a girl, memorizing a script in FRENCH!! Getting a Puppy and calling it Smudge. So that’s a shortish list of the last 6 months of my life( Wow that’s sad) Sorry if I get something wrong I’m watching South Park where Children are getting high on cough medicine, sorry again I find that very funny I guess that speaks hugely about my sense of mind. Why am I apologizing? If you don’t like what you are reading follow these simple steps:
1.Follow the wire out of the back of your computer.(If you have a laptop skip forward to step 3)
2.Find the plug.
3.Switch the power switch to off.
Wow that was interesting. So…I have no idea what to write now. So yeah all I wanted to say is I’m back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, hai
Reformatted my computer for the first time in like…ever ( 5 years ;D Poor bastard. It took around an hour, which surprised the crap outta me. But oh well. Got internet going, searched for some musicz to listen to while i reinstalled a few things. Normally i would just listen to Two steps from Hell. Game soundtracks or Breaking Benjamin or something, but something new caught my eye. Which caused my wandering eye to see something else. And on this lonely autumn night, the triforce of EPIC MUSICZ was created. ENJOY!
Two Steps from Hell. Epic music of Strength.
Immediate Music. Epic music of Courage.
X-Ray Dog. Epic music of Power.
OKKKKAYYY. Epicness has ended for now. Just search on youtube if you liked it, there’s tonnes more of each bands stuff. Like 15 songs per band at least on youtube. Onto other things!
For us Failcross attend33z, we have only one week of school left until we break up for a weeks holiday. Halloween! Not sure what the authors of the blog are going to do, we went trick or treating last year for lolz, even though we were 14/15. You can never be too old to trick or treat. Wait, yeah you can…oh well. Maybe we’ll go to Sterries for a sleepover or something. Sound like a good idea guys? I can just speak to you on messenger or skype but meh…lazy xD.
But yeah..i’d rather not be at my house and have to open the door to little vampiric/frankenstinic nublets being liek CANDY PL0X OR I EAT YOUR FACE. = /. Fuxx that. So i’ll go to Sterries me thinks. No choice Sterry. No choice. Anyway i’m blabbering now, i could prolly write more but i’ll save it for another post.
Hope the few people that read this blog enjoyed this post, it’s something different and something people can enjoy. If the music gives you goosebumps, you know it’s good ;D.
SEE YA. Roberty Adamness
It snowed February last year, probably. No such luck this October however. The weather is still mildly warm, but getting colder. It’s not been as wet as most predicted. Then again, summer wasn’t as hot as predicted. Lowest amount of rainfall this summer for the past three years though. Way-hoee.
I’m bored in media studies. As is often the case. I browsed around to find something to do, and i saw adams post virtually begging people to post. People, preferably, being me it seems. So here y’are. A brand spanking new blog post. Aren’t you happy.
We need some sort of event to do a post on. But nothings happened. Literally. It’s all just avoiding situations in which we would be confronted as to the whereabouts of our coursework. “Ohh, urm, Printers broken”. Why do they still buy that excuse? Srsly. Wtfs.
I suppose one consolation we can take from this usually dull time of year is that its christmas soon. The christmas period is always eventful for blog posters. There’s the event itself, which is obviously quite a big thing. There’s new years, bonfire night, and the chance of obscene weather conditions. Funnnn.
Grr. It annoys me. Our posts need direction, not just rambles. We shall see..
Okay hai.
Wtf @ lack of blogs within around…20 days or so. Seems to be more “The blog of Sterry and Adam”. Although i suppose the other authors may have reasons for their lack of posts, Luke for one i know just isn’t interested in the blog anymore, or if he is then it’s just cba laziness xP. HMM LUKE?! Haydyn is more into his own blog, fair enough. The others i just don’t know = /.
Maybe it’s because our mocks are in around 45 days? Maybe it’s because halloween is close, preperations? Or maybe it’s just the good old cba laziness.
Anyways, this is more or less a blab blab post about things that the…5 or 6 people that read this most likely won’t care about xP. I promise a decent post in the near future = /. But the other authors? POST DAMMIT NUBS!
Oh, PS: Are any of our readers in a situation like me? Got like, 2 pieces of coursework to do and that’s that. I’m home free for about a month. Where i can do anything i want. Yet i just can’t be arsed to do it. I mean, common, one piece is a faceroll to complete, as is the other. Yet i just can’t be arsed. HOME FREE FOR A MONTH?!?! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MON! Monmon.
Anyway, that concludes random boring post. Hope i didn’t waste too much of your time = /. *Tumbleweed*
Roberty Adamness.
Fucking Epic. Fell in love with this <3 Possibly the best soundtrack in any Final fantasy game ( Normal battle song wise ). Looks like Hamauzua actually put effort into this soundtrack, looking good =D. In advance, i know a lot of people won’t give a toss about this but some might so meh. Just a warning.
Anywayz, FFIII. Long time in production, started before XII even came out. We’ve been waiting and waiting and it’s finally coming…In about 7 fucking months T.T. But March or something next year is official NO MORE DELAYS PL0X.
There’s been lots of rumors about this game, most are lies created by fags trying to put fans off this game. While i agree partially with what they say – FFIII will be an action-RPG in a way and not keeping to the tradition of FF. FF is meant to be a turn based RPG with awesome storylines, good characters who you can emotionally connect with, awesome gameplay, good music. An all round good game. I admit that i had my doubts when i heard it was basically turning to action RPG.XII was a slight dissapointment in itself, meh soundtrack, characters felt left out and such, gameplay was cool, bosses were too close together and most meant nothing to the storyline. /depressed. VII VIII XI and X were good. I’ve enjoyed every FF game including 1-6, well 3 was meh but meh xD, Anyway.
After recent events, XIII is actually looking good. Might have to get used to it no longer being turn based but maybe…this change is for the better? We’ll see. The characters look interesting (Lightning or wutever = Clouds model btw ^.-), graphics are even better, story will hopefully be interesting…XIII itself has been split into 3 games, hopefully this implies LONG game which = happy face. Versus XIII is exclusive to the PS3. Bastards…and the PsP one which i can’t remember off the top of my head will be gurd as well.
Yapa – Japan get’s it in December, lucky basturdz. We get it like 4 months later, sounds about right but GOD DAMMIT I WANT IT NAOW. Anyway, i’ve prolly missed loads and might update anyone interested as time goes by, this is more of a boring ramble post, ramble ramble.
Guess that’s…it for now? Meh. As Luke would say.
BAI………..Roberty Adamness.
Lolololol hai.
So it’s been a while since i made a new post, this is because of a numb3r of reasons. First one being that i wanted to enjoy my holiday (Sitting on Warcraft everyday all day ^^, that and FF, musicz ect. LOLOL) and ocassionally going o- oh wait i didn’t do that either, ffs. Waste of a summer. And ehh…due to lack of any decent looking games coming out hence no game reviews = /. I could always resort to doing older games that nobodies heard of ^.-. I dunno, if there’s anybody that still cares – Leave a comment suggesting what i should do =0.
That’s my excuses of the…month out of the way =DD. Uhh..yeah. School. Final year at school. Despite all the teachers bitching and such, it’s about time some of us actually listens to what they’re saying, despite them putting it harshly and such, some of the more lazy people (Me =D) need to actually do coursework -.-. But pleh, english is ghey and i have a few weeks. YYAAYYYY time to leave it to the last minute again.
So let’s all create a campfire, sing a little song, have some fun while eating a bun. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed this read, while having a pee.
Okay i can’t make a funny. =D. That’s all i’ve got for now -.- I’ll prolly make another post when i get home, currently in IT being teh bored because the work we’re doing is a faceroll.
Roberty Adamness.
Today, if you realise it or not, is a very special day. Why you may ask. Well, its not only the 38th birthday of multiple tour de france winner, Lance Armstrong but it is also… the first anniversary of the creation of this marvelous blog. Over this fine year you may have grown to love, or despise, this blog. If you have grown to love it, great! However if you havn’t, try. Now i know that recently we, as a team, have been lacking in the post department but don’t worry! I will try and force some peeps into posting again. Infact even I will make more of an effort to post. How does that sound? I think thats a good plan, hope it works. Anyway ttfn (ta ta for now).
And I doubt we will forget soon.
Sterry
theeverponce
dotlukas
Roberty Adamness
benialabdelalivi
ducksay
shauneo